What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 02:43
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it wasn’t much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why do I sweat between my legs all the time, top off my legs, all way down?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Republicans, why do you support Kamala Harris over Donald Trump?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
This is soul school!.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Can bosses get fired for being too hard on employees?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I don,t even have a pension.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I said to her
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She wouldn,t have been !
When she asked me how she looked .
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
All the time i was locked up.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I never cut or harmed myself..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
I write beautiful poetry .
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
But ive been too sick for many years..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She loved him until the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im still living with it.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It was going to be , some day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So, i spoilt her more .